New Rules from the Town of Cary

Planners with the Town of Cary held a surprise session late last night and have enacted the following community rules, effective immediately:

Neighborhood Entry Tax: To maintain exclusivity, certain neighborhoods may enact a nonresident entry tax of $5 per person, maximum $15 per vehicle. Proceeds will fund additional HOA enforcement.

New Resident Requirements: All persons moving to Cary from New York or New Jersey MUST post a question about where to find good pizza and/or bagels to a public community social media page within three (3) months of residency.

Dog Breed Restrictions: Within city limits, dog ownership is limited to only breeds ending in “doodle.”

Approved Building Colors: All residences and businesses must be painted from the following colors: Suburban Beige; Corporate Blue; Millennial Gray; Industrial Ivory; Ironically Rural Red; or Sage, Mint, or Moss Green.

Downtown Parking Elimination: All parking spaces will be removed from Downtown Cary. Residents are encouraged to use alternative forms of transportation including walking, biking, hoverboards, or jetpacks.

Street Name Simplification: To simplify printing of signs and reduce confusion, all streets must contain “Davis” or “Preston.” Examples: Davis Parkway Drive Court at Preston Circle, Preston Meadow Woods Glen.

Lawn Standards: All grass must be exactly 2.5 inches at all times. No weeds allowed at any time. No weed killers may be used. Gas-powered lawn equipment may only be used between the hours of 2-4 a.m. Mondays and Fridays to preserve daytime tranquility.

Suburban Enforcement Drones: To ensure compliance with lawn height, paint color, and other community standards, the town will be patrolled 24/7 by enforcement drones. Violators will be hit with equipped tranquilizer darts.

April Fools: Readers are required to laugh, exhale audibly, or roll their eyes at the aforementioned rules we made up.